Go read that bad boy. It's Book I of 4, all of them pure amazingness. Just $0.99 on lulu.com, but will be available on Nook, Kindle, and other eReaders soon, if those are preferred. Enjoy!!
And this is who's helping me:
I finally finished editing "Get Sloane" and now I'm working on converting it to eBook. I should be done by the end of the day. That's the beauty of writing short manuscripts. I'll have the link up on the store page when I'm finished, but I'll post an update to let you know.
After several days (I'm assuming...I don't remember) I have waded through all the shit and emerged victorious! A once 160+ paged manuscript is now 27 pages. Yes. That's how bad it was. But it is now every bit the little fairy tale I remember when I wrote it at twelve years old so that's good. I've even given it a title: "About a Girl."
This is a cool picture I took of me editing in the sunlight with my little sunbathing kitty.
I saw this ad on Every Writer's Resource for a magazine called The Reject Pile. They were looking for pieces that have been rejected by other magazines or whatever so I was like "Sure, reject's my middle name" and I submitted one and they just replied saying "Not what we're looking for." Sigh. Rejected by the reject pile. Now what does that make me? When I don't even make the reject pile?
What. The fuck. Is this.
Son of a fucking bitch you guys, NOT EVERYONE IS CAUGHT UP. I have never been more livid than I am now. Yes I have. But I am really, really, really mad. Grey's Anatomy was my show. It was my Gilmore Girls a year ago. Which replaced Desperate Housewives when that was done. But I kind of stopped watching it because I'll admit I got a little bored from all the stories and people I had to keep up with (and, frankly, I've never liked the new interns, they're so dumb...kind of never liked the new people since the Seattle Grace and Mercy West merger either, Kepner and Jackson? Gag) but whatever, I was going to watch it eventually, you whores! GOD DAMN IT. Fuck you guys. Fuck you all.
I know I've said this before and I will say it again: I would be such a good chef. I was cutting watermelon last night and I was like "Holy shit I'm really good at this." I can't cook anything but I bet if I tried I'd be amazing. And I would be so good at being friends with all the people on Food Network. They could throw all these wine parties with cheese and baguette platters with olive oil, and...olive leaves and shit, and I'd be standing there with my wine glass going "Mm, yes, delectable" and Ina would laugh and her good looking gay friend would be like "I can grill for you tomorrow" and I'd be like "Mm, yes, wonderful" and then Giada would be like "Why don't you come over afterwards, I'll make you Italian food and we could talk about our babies" and I'd be like "Mm, yes, indubitably" and then Bobby Flay would be like "And then--" but I'd cut him off and be like "NO." I don't like Bobby Flay. It started with the way he pronounced water and then since he got a fourth divorce with cheating allegations. Never trust a man who mispronounces water. Let that be a lesson to you all. Or you'll end up marrying Bobby Flay and then getting divorced.
I REPEAT! AAAAAAARGH! SO MANY SOCIAL MEDIAS! I just set up a Twitter and Pinterest. And I give up on both. I need, like, three assistants. And to be rich.
I don't know. I have no idea. I've signed up for so many things I've completely lost track. Apparently I have another blog with blogger now. I don't know. Whatever. Here's what I have so far:
For my first post, I thought I'd start with something I thought about in the shower today:
You’re driving down the street when you notice half the world has dropped off into the dark abyss we call Space, and the other half is on fire. What do you do? You panic. These are the thoughts going through your head:
1. Oh my god, the world is ending.
2. I’m going to be late for work.
3. Did I feed the cat this morning?
But then you remember that one post you read by that one girl on that one website and you take a breath and calmly say to yourself: What would Lorelai do? You quickly think back to all the episodes of Gilmore Girls you watched and decide if she were in your situation she would probably say something witty with a few references from movies you’ve never seen with actors you’ve never heard of thrown in, and you realize:
1. It’s okay, you'll figure it out.
2. Work probably doesn’t exist anymore.
3. You don’t have a cat.
And you move on with the rest of your life on Mars or something, if Earth actually disintegrated into ashes, and all your problems are solved. You’re welcome.
I often have odd trains of thought.
Interested in more odd trains of thought? I have a website that you can visit, theworldofameliaallen.weebly.com,and it is home to everything you need to know about my writings, me, and what's going on in my life. Interested in even more? Like me on Facebook, facebook.com/theworldofameliaallen, to stay posted on any updates I make. Hope to see you there, Allenites!
...I'm trying to make that a thing. I don't know. Maybe.
End post on Blogger.
Which reminds me, you are all now Allenites. You should be very proud.
So I'm sitting here like "I should find another job" and then I'm like let's look at writing classifieds, and I apply here, I apply there, I somehow get into submitting my shorts to magazines and now I'm writing cartoon captions. It's really fun, I think this might be my new hobby:
"I've Taken Your Cat" is my guinea pig. Here's what I'm thinking so far:
So this is essentially my idea; just adding in little doodles to the shorts. I always loved Shel Silverstein's books for his. The tricky part is getting the images just right. I mean it's really tricky. Since I don't have any programs or anything, I'm just drawing them on paper then fixing them on Paint and that's it. It's pretty good for...not...being very good.
Kind of have started brainstorming illustrations for my Shorts Compilation but other than that it's very quiet on the writing front. I haven't been editing, I haven't been reading, I'm not really sure what that means I've been doing...but. Anyway. I will say that last night we got in a car accident, but it's not like I was going to edit then either. Don't worry, it was pretty minor. But here's some doodles so far:
Well I left a discussion thread on Lulu.com and I went back to check and see if anyone's responded and I have 6 responses. All argumentative. I've tried responding the past five minutes but the website's glitching so I wrote a reply to everyone on Word, then I tried again to unleash my fury, but it still wasn't working so I got bored. But I just wanted to say, you're lucky Lulu's discussion page wasn't working, because if it wasn't not working, you would have WISHED it was! Because...otherwise...you have to deal with...my fury. Fuck you.
I have uploaded my models for Jinni and Logan on their page. The Logan drawing is from this book I have called "Drawing Faeries" by Christopher Hart; I tried finding an actual model for him but when I tried to look little boys modeling underwear came up and I felt super creepy. I'm actually still trying to understand why those pictures even exist, it was like soft-core pedophile porn. And it was on Pinterest...yeah...really gross. For Jinni I just picked a really beautiful little girl, because that's how I've always imagined her, just this perfect little doll. The girl's name is Laneya Grace and she is just flawless. So she's Jinni. And she's super young, so when Jinni gets adapted into a film she'll be able to play her...
My boyfriend started his new at-home job today so he'll be in training for 8 weeks and it's all done online with headphones for 8 hours a day. And. It. Is. Wonderful. I don't work much (at my actual job. My author job is definitely full time) so I'm always home working on my projects, and he has been taking an in-between-job break for the past three weeks and all he's been doing is playing Bloodborne. Now, while I like that game, that's all he does. And all I do is work on my laptop. So...needless to say, it's been hard as fuck trying to edit and get inspired to write. But now: it's so quiet. SO quiet. And it's wonderful. I'm going to get so much shit done. I'm probably going to edit Jinni, and I'll probably get really far with it too, since it'll be quiet till around 5 tonight. Yay for the quietly working boyfriend!
Here are my most recent finds on the Twitter thread #mswl (for those who do not know, it's an agent hashtag called "Manuscript Wish List"...a list of manuscripts they wish to receive):
"Paranormal romance with a half-pizza, half-human love interest"
"Contemporary YA that makes me feel like I'm living a teenage dream in my skin tight jeans #MSWL"
"But seriously, send me your YA with awesome nuns."
These are the books we're competing with, people. You should feel proud you're not published.
So I was going through some old emails and found this gem. This was the response I got from one woman I sent a "Get Sloane" query to (I have bolded her most important points for emphasis, and italicized and put in brackets my thoughts on them), to which I responded with "Thank you for your time":
"Sorry, this will never do. You have managed to cram every beginning novelist's errors into a single manuscript. At least the first few pages after which I gave up because time is not to be wasted.
Among the errors:
Starting the narrative by dumping the author's notes into the text.
Telling the reader everything including the character's abilities and values.
Proper novels show the characters observing and responding to people and events through which they reveal themselves, just like real life.
Filling the text with descriptions of mundane activities instead of letting the character's intentions and desires lead the action.
I did chuckle when dialog was interrupted by the line: Nearly fifteen minutes passed of nothing but silence.
A different unsuccessful writhing quirk: portraying a protagonist who is too dumb to live. A character too clueless to have never questioned her situation and 20-year missing parents would be tended to by mental health professionals full time.
Demonstrating you have no idea how the world works. Rich people don't eat at the food court at the mall. [(Amelia's note: Rich people can do whatever the fuck they want. If they want to eat at the food court at the mall they can eat at the fucking food court at the mall)]
From the flow of the narrative, I'd say you began this story when you were about twelve years old and have now polished it up. The grammar and spelling are fine, but even today's self-obsessed pre-teens are unlikely to go for this.
I do "get" the idea that you are presenting a totally brainless bimbo (the way she mixes up old movies) but it isn't working. Instead of laughing at an idiot (Gracie Allen and some Steve Martin characters) the reader begins to fear that the author, like so many college students has damaged her own mind with drugs and binge drinking. [(Amelia's note: I'm probably more sober than you have ever been you fucking hag)]
Oh, wait... maybe you are reincarnated Gracie Allen. The rapid change of scene and topic and screwy logic is very Gracie-like.
Still the prose needs a lot of work to make it work.
If you want to sample a novel focused on a completely insane young person, read: The Wasp Factory by Ian Banks.
By all means try other agents."
But then the more I thought about it, the more I felt this sufficed:
"You know, I've thought about it, and decided I'm not going to leave you a professional response, because you didn't do the same for me.
First, if you had read the story at all, you would have learned that it was a spy comedy. I "started the narrative by dumping the author's notes into the text" because it was AIAs (the spy agency this entire story revolves around) file on Mia Sloane. They were the words recorded about her. In her file back at headquarters. So in it said "the character's abilities and values." Which is what is put in a file on someone. But you later see "mundane activities" and "every day events" if you read past the first paragraph.
I may have "portrayed a protagonist who is too dumb to live, a character too clueless to have never questioned her situation and 20-year missing parents (who) would be tended to by mental health professionals full time," and she may have needed full time health professionals, but this is a fictional story. Somehow she didn't have to have health professionals full time. Maybe she was smarter than she let on. Maybe this is a fictional world where she didn't need health professionals full time. This could be the part where readers use their imagination to connect the dots.
"Demonstrating you have no idea how the world works. Rich people don't eat at the food court at the mall." I first must thank you for the first of your long list of accusations, when you know nothing about me. Thank you for your concern, but I have been living in this world my whole life, and I have a small grasp of how the world works. And all I have to say in response to this is rich people can do whatever they want. They are rich. If they wanted to eat at the food court at the mall, they could eat at the food court at the mall. Also, I must point out, if you read past the first paragraph, you would have learned more about the character's personality, and known she was the type of person who would do this.
"From the flow of the narrative, I'd say you began this story when you were about twelve years old and have now polished it up." Thank you again, for this accusation. Thank you for your concern, but I did not write this when I was twelve years old. I have, however, been polishing this up since I wrote it in 2010, making sure it was good enough for the world to see. (Take away four years of my life, and no, you do not get a twelve year old.)
"I do 'get' the idea that you are presenting a totally brainless bimbo (the way she mixes up old movies) but it isn't working. Instead of laughing at an idiot the reader begins to fear that the author, like so many college students, has damaged her own mind with drugs and binge drinking." Oh wow, third accusation, you're on a roll! Again, thank you for your concern, but I don't drink, or do drugs, contrary to every other person my age, college-goer or not. I'm one of those rare students who are too busy doing homework and receiving good grades to partake in such activities. So you, like my readers, need not worry that I am writing a story while high and drunk.
With that said, I'm sorry I had to send this, but I felt it was necessary. You attacked me personally. You responded unprofessionally and took personal aim at me. I don't know if it was because you were bullied by an Amelia in elementary school, or if you just plain hate my name. Or, maybe you truly did just hate my story and took offense to it. If that is the case, I am sorry. But I must point out, that A) you did not need to read it, and B) you did not need to respond with such colorful, non-constructive criticism. Word of advice for the future: an author can't take hateful words like you said to me and use them to make their work better. All you did for me was make me sit through one big, stinging insult. How about next time, when you read something you don't like--which, by the way, is understandable, since stories are completely subjective--you say something along the lines of "Thank you for considering me as your agent, but unfortunately, this project isn't for me." Or just "This project isn't for me." Or don't respond at all; some agencies don't even contact the author if they aren't thinking of requesting the rest of the manuscript. Either would have been fine. And I wouldn't have had to undergo a form of verbal abuse that I did not deserve from a stranger, no less. Whose opinion I hardly care about.
Wishing you a better day, and, the strength to get over your elementary school bully,
So lately I've been working on Jinni. If you're not yet aware, I added synopses and excerpts to my Jinni & Logan page, so go read them and get excited, and I've been going through Jinni and doing what I'm calling an edit slim down. See, what happened here, was I wrote Jinni when I was around 12 and 13 years old. It was simple, it was little, it was a tiny baby fairy tale, and what I did later, as I began to write more and more, I kept revisiting Jinni and adding in fillers to make it more like a book. Which can be okay, but in this case, I was still really young, so it's all shit; it's all empty words that don't mean anything or progress the story in any way, so I'm going through and deleting all of it. I wish I could go back and find the original untouched version but I doubt such a thing exists. I've gone through way too many computers and updated too many files on the hard drive, on email, on jump drive, probably on CD...but that does give me an idea, I can check the jump drive and see what the last updated version was. But I doubt it's any different from the copy I have. But it's not that big of a deal.
So it's not Sunday but it'd be silly if I didn't post my April Fools silly short, because it's April Fools'! Which means a year ago today I wrote that short. And I was still at UNC. And that's all I can recall about a year ago. Huh. I thought I'd have more to remember but I guess not. Anyway, happy April Fools' Day!